Well, dear readers, it’s happening. The signs of ageing are creeping up on me at the ripe old age of 33. (Sure, that’s still young in today’s era, but let’s face it: 2000 years ago it would’ve been ‘Helloooo, coffin’. Or embalmer. Whatevs.)
Two days ago, I experienced a telling sign. What was it, you ask?
They were there in all their glory on my décolletage after I’d been lying down for a bit of a nanna nap. Basically, they are Grand Canyon-esque creases that stay put on your chest and neck for a solid 10mins after you’ve woken up. What does it mean? The elastin in one’s skin is going to the dogs. (You can read another helpful tip about elastin and pelvic floor muscles here.)
What’s happening to me? I thought. Am I past it? Should I start shopping at Millers and going to Michel’s Patisserie for the $3.50 coffee and cake special?
I needed answers. A more thorough investigation was required so, since The Great Crush Wrinkles Appearance of 2014 occurred, I’ve been analysing other behaviours that are deadest giveaways you’re getting older and, dare I say it, more persnickety. (Love that word. Say it: PER-SNICK-E-TY.)
Without further ado, here are the:
19 SIGNS YOU’RE GETTING SO OLD
THAT CHILDREN WILL START ASKING TO HELP YOU CROSS THE STREET ANY DAY NOW
- You start moisturising your neck and elbows
And wish you’d started back in your ’20s when Mum first told you to. But you didn’t understand then, did you? Now you do.
- You own flat shoes, except for one slight wedge heel (for special occasions)
Can I hear a “woot, woot!” for ballet flats and sandals? Where once upon a time I would wear heels for eight hours a day at work, now the mere thought makes my calf muscles silently scream and start to shrivel.
- You consider purchasing shoes with ‘super soft’ emblazoned on them
Because as you get older everything becomes about comfort and, given it’s not socially acceptable to wear slippers out of the house, you need a pair of shoes that mimic the feel of clouds. (Do not get me started on Ugg boots worn outside the home, especially with mini-skirts. Not okay. For God’s sake, if it’s cold enough to wear animal skin up to your knees then share the warmth with your thighs. They need love, too.) Anyway, perhaps you have bunions or corns or blisters or a Hammer Toe? Perhaps you have even purchased a Ped-Egg, or that rotating sandblaster thing for your heels? Whatever it is, softly does it.
- You think the music is so LOUD
Turn it down! Turn the telly down, too. Why are the ads so much louder than the programme. Put on the ABC. Turn the radio off, I can’t see where I’m going! (<– You know this happens.)
- You start saying “Back in my day…”
Yup. For example: Back in my day, you had to GET UP AND WALK TO THE TV TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL. Crazy times.
- You also start saying “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”
Guess what? It’s just you… and those nasty pre-menopausal hormones having a heated disagreement.
- You think all P-platers are twits
Mr POW is especially guilty of this one. Whenever we pass a car with a P-plate, he’s all: “Bloody P-platers; typical” and rolls his eyes. It’s like he can’t even remember learning to drive, let alone hitting the streets with his wheels.
- You need two pegs to hang your undies
I’ve touched (read: raved) on this subject before, but please refer to point #3 regarding comfort levels.
- Your knees don’t look the same
Look at mine. What the Hell is going on here?
- You start listening to talkback radio when your parents aren’t even travelling with you
I nearly slapped myself when I did this in the car last week. But, seriously, how much Rhianna can one listen to without wanting to stick a pen in an eye? Ugh.
- You only shave your legs to your knees
It’s just wasted effort going higher, isn’t it? Furthermore, you may even miss a few patches…and not even care.
- You get a sensible haircut
Low maintenance. Easy care. A small ponytail can be managed at best. Your partner probably hates it. Meh.
- You know what ‘threadcount’ means
And what’s more, you’re prepared to pay top dollar to make sure your linen is all above 250 (at bare minimum). Perhaps you even get a bit excited when Laura Ashley has a sale of sheets. (Not me, of course! Shopping at Laura Ashley – pfft – how embarrassing.)
- You shop at Laura Ashley
Don’t judge me. Sometimes I’m fond of an A-line high-waisted flared floral skirt. So, what are you going to do about it?
- You buy a boomerang pillow
Great for watching telly in bed with a cuppa, aren’t they? *telling for a friend*
- You don’t buy fashion magazines anymore
Instead, you buy The Australian Women’s Weekly. The articles are great and do not even get me started on the Colossal Crossword. It’s hours of entertainment, right there.
- You buy scratchies and Lotto tickets
This is when you realise your superannuation will last you for two years following retirement at 92 years old. There’s gotta be an easier way to put the kids through school and buy a Range Rover. Enter, gambling!
- You grunt when trying to get up from the floor
In accompaniment, there may also be cracks and creaks and ‘oohs’. Together, these noises form the hit off-Broadway show: The Bodily Orchestra of the Ageing.
- You find grey hairs
Um, but not on your head.
This is kinda awkward. Seems I’m heading into granny territory when I’ve got two kids under four! Oops. How did that happen? Where did I go wrong? Where’s young, cool, hip, happening Sarah?
I’ll tell you where she is: lying in bed on her boomerang pillow with eye cream caked on and listening to the midday movie while typing this post. I’d call that WINNING.
Who else wants to ‘fess up with their funny signs of ageing? Let’s get this list longer, people!
PS. Pearls of Willsdom is on Facebook and Instagram (@pearlsofwillsdom).